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Washed
Apr 16, 2009 23:03:02 GMT -5
Post by yellow on Apr 16, 2009 23:03:02 GMT -5
Kit 3 walked around in the forest. She stepped on the mud and slipped into the water. Water rushed into her mouth. She felt teeth grip her neck as she felt herself lifted out of the water. As she was put back down, she muttered something to herself. The tom-cat was a dark gray with eyes that she couldn't describe. "You better leave." He mumbled. "Right." She meowed softly as she walked away. Her eyes sent a message that she wanted to see him again. And he liked her too. But what about the job she was set to do? She didn't know what she'd do except not tell her siblings or Renegade.
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Washed
Apr 17, 2009 17:21:11 GMT -5
Post by » Sacrifice on Apr 17, 2009 17:21:11 GMT -5
The problem I see here is that your sentences don't flow. Remember that you want quality, not so much quantity.
I would write something more like this, Kit 3 walked into the forest, her eyes wide as she examined everything around her. Suddenly, she felt herself slipping, and somehow managed to fall strait into some water, instantly soaking herself, fur plastered to the skin. As the water rushed into her mouth, she tried to get up, but found herself stuck in the mud. Now, she was both dirty and soaking wet. Out of no where, teeth grabbed her scruff, lifting her free from the prision of mud that had held her. Their owner was a dark grey tom cat, his eyes something that she couldn't even begin to describe. "You should leave." The strange tom muttered to her, watching her with an obvious interest. "Right." Kit 3 muttered back, her eyes telling him that she would love to see him again. What she hid from that mysterious stranger though, was the job she had been sent out to do. As she moved back through the forest, her mind was made up. She couldn't tell Renegade, or her siblings, about this encounter.
Of course, don't use my example. This is just a guide really. You need to add more details to your posts, really give the reader a sense of being there.
>><<
There was a soft, laughing sound that seemed to echo through the forest. Only, this was not the laughter of a happy being. Rather, this was a mocking sound, one that was cold, and bone chilling. For the moment, it seemed as though there was no owner to that sound, until, a single cat stepped forward. Or, if you wanted to get techincal, a kit.
His pelt was a deep grey, flecked with silver and blacks. He knew no name, other then Kit 2, as his father had so fondly called him when he was first born. Walking with a unnatrual grace, his sharp, bright silver flecked eyes were focused on Kit 3, mocking her. She had been foolish to think that nobody had been watching her. That she had actually been alone in this forest, that her encounter with the tom hadn't been seen. One would think that she would have learned that long ago. Would have learned, that nothing was a secret, and that everything was found out, eventually.
"Oh. How sweet, you like that weak creature." With a short, sarcastic laugh, the young cat leapt from his hiding spot that had conceled his presence, landing with a soft 'thump,' right in front of Kit 3. Eyes glittering with the darkness that had been forced upon him at birth, Kit 2 flashed a fanged grin at his sibling, not a threat, but a promise.
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Washed
Apr 18, 2009 14:41:42 GMT -5
Post by yellow on Apr 18, 2009 14:41:42 GMT -5
"I don't know what you're talking about." Kit 3 shrugged. Silent thoughts crossed her mind, Oh, great. He problably saw me with him. Kit 3 automatically showed no emotion. "I want to earn my name soon, Kit 2; but I can't seem to find a cat to kill." She thought for a moment. "Maybe I kill one of those clans elders who are totally misrable and want to die! It'd be an easy fight." Kit 3 grinned. She then frowned slightly. "I'll try again tomorrow." Kit 3 sighed and so did her heart. Easily broken, her heart could be and her life could be worth nothing in her heart. Except she could kill weak and miserable cats; dieased ones too to protect the cat population. But mainly what was on her mind was, the mysterious tom-cat that was there to save her pitiful life. Her life debt was repaid by not attacking and killing him. And the gray tom, would always hold a place in her heart. Kit 3 thought of how she could see the tom again. Dangerous thoughts crossed her mind. All of this she thought about as Kit 3 stalked homeward.
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