What these Memories Are ((Dream))

[» Sacrifice]

There was nobody up, aside from the new warriors. And they could only watch as he moved out into the forest, moonlight bathing his black pelt, making it seem to glow slightly. His light green eyes were more focused then they usually were, and for once, he didn't have a good humored spark in his eye. This was just one of the many strolls that the black tom had taken ever since they had been exiled from their home by the rogues. It wasn't something he wanted to remember, but something he seemed to be forced to remember. Something that only one cat knew about, and that was because they had always gone deeper then blood. For now though, Havoccrypt was determind to keep it that way. For once, his humor was grim, and his mood bleak. Nobody would know the tom, even those from his clan.

He had gone a deep way into the forest, using the almost unseen foot trails until it was like he had never been there, aside from the faint lingering scent trail that he left. What was he looking for, you may ask? His tree. There had always been one tree that he had climbed, one tree that he knew every branch of. Given, he had fallen out of it a few times as an apprentice. But would it be the same otherwise? It was the first tree he had fallen out of, and held a special time for him. One that plagued his mind every moment, although one could never guess it from the way he acted.

With a soft sigh, Havoccryupt finally found what he had been looking for. It was a large oak tree, large branches wrapping into the neighboring tree's branches. There was one low one, and the rest were a good jump up, if it was timed carefully. With only a few slightly longer strides, the tom was up on a higher branch, and curled his tail around his paws, content to just watch the night as the moon blazed above him. Everything seemed to be so still, it was like magic...

How easily that could be disturbed though.

[*Sinister*Dreams*]

The silence of Depthvision's dreams felt almost eerie to her that night, the vague image of a shadowy cat who felt so close, feeling further away than ever haunting her sleep. Her eyelids twitched twice, before opening to her dark blue eyes. Why was the waking world the same as her dream? That same shadowy cat drifted away, and she quietly rose from her bedding.

The cat's movement and steps made clear who it was. Why was young Havoccrypt walking away in the dead of night? Depthvision sauntered after him, padding slowly as he swept into the forest. It was so...abnormal.

Depthvision stood, hesitating at the base of the tree. Dare she climb up? She knew her curiosity was stronger then the warning to stay down, and gave in, almost silently clambering up behind him. She exhaled breathlessly behind his ear, being silent for a moment, unsure whether to speak or just...be there for him.

Opting for the second of the two, she gently laid her tail on his shoulders. Why was he out here? What was haunting him, deep behind his eyes, that seemed almost injured now as they came out?

[» Sacrifice]

He wasn't aware that he had been followed, until he heard claws against the rough bark of the tree, and felt the presence next to him on the branch. He knew who it was though, fighting in battle like that made you more aware of some cats then others. The question was just why had she followed him? Havoccrypt had been rather sure that he was silent on his way out, none other seemed to have been awoke on his way out. Just seemed to be one of the problems with being in the ever crowded warrior den.

"Depthvision. What brings you out here so late at night?"
His voice was sober, although he was obvious a bit curious about what she was doing out here. His light eyes weren't focused on her though, they still remained on the horizon where the stars twinkled their soft light. A soft grin touched his maw though, as he shook his head.
"You know, I've fallen out of this tree so many times. Even more so as an apprentice."

A soft sigh escaped him though, something that even the bold warrior couldn't hide. Maybe it was because ever since the battle he had become friends with Depthvision, and he was always more relaxed around his friends. It was always with them that he could actually be himself, and show them that he wasn't always all he proclaimed to be. Maybe this was just a trick of fate, but it was something that he just had to keep in stride.

"I learned that we don't always land on our paws."
Havoccrypt added with a wince.

[*Sinister*Dreams*]

Depthvision smiled simpathetically, her silver body shinning bright in the moonlight. Eyes gleaming, bathed in light, she spoke to him.

"You brought me here, of course. I was dreaming of a shadowy cat, troubled as he walked away. When I woke up, it was real. You actually looked a bit ghostly."

She grinned lightly, glancing down. It was true, this hieght would not be a fun one to fall down from. Especially in front of another cat! No, her pride would most deffinately keep her on this branch while he was around. No sense in falling in front of the warrior. Especially knowing she was the leaders daughter. How would that make her look?

"No...I believe you're right. We don't always land on our paws. It's true with all things in life though..."

She glanced warily at his face, concern showing on her own. She was usually good at hiding emotions, but perhaps due to the darkness of the night and the chill of the fresh air, something gave her away. It was often under the watchful gaze of the moon that cats felt naked unto their own emotion, and could not find the will to conceal it.

[» Sacrifice]

Ears flicking, there was an obvious touch of interest from Havoccrypt. Ghostly figures? That was one that he had never heard before. Not that he had heard a lot of strange things these days.
"Ghostly figures? That is a new one. But I'll thank you for the compliment."
Winking at her slightly, Havoccrypt shook his head, still not sure how he managed to get up here without noticing that he had been followed by Depthvision. How fast he seemed to gain friends these days, not to mention go through them. The sad problem was that he only had about three friends in the whole clan. Yet, it seemed that he had no enemies so far, aside from a few apprentice like grudges. Even the others spoke of him, what a perfect role-model he was!

Seeing her glance down, a impish grin flickered over his maw, nothing could stop Havoccrypt's true peronality from shining through, and gave her a push. Before she could fall though, he grabbed her scruff and said;
"Saved your life."
It was a typical joke, but it always worked. Only, when it had happened to him, he had actually fallen. They were to high up to afford a fall, considering the fact the clan was just getting back into it's home. They couldn't afford to loose a strong warrior, and Havoccrypt wouldn't do that even to his worst enemy. Spitting out Depthvision, he rolled his eyes.
"You taste bad."

Sighing as he listened to her words, Havoccrypt shook his head. It seemed that he was expected to speak, but even considering it still hrut a bit. Wounds wouldn't heal unless he took a chance and lanced them though, so why not now? Ace knew, but that was because he had been with them all along. Why not let someone else know? What harm would it do honestly?

"That is the truth, I can tell you that."

Haviccrypt muttered softly, before sighing.

"Do you remember Aditoath?"

[*Sinister*Dreams*]

Panicking once as her pride was threatened, Depthvision nearly fell from the hieghts, but felt herself be pulled back. She faked a leap at him, before returning to her place.

"Why thank you, I do likely taste horrible. StarClan knows how many rogues slept in our den. I'm sure you don't taste so bad though...I could always try to eat you."

Her amused saphire gaze flashed in daring, as she threatened him playfully, prodding him kit-like with a paw and bouncing back. She shook herself once, happy the branch was mildly thick. She couldn't afford to actually fall anymore then let him do so. It was a dangerous time for PewterClan, despite all of the new warriors, their experience was less than the older ones.

"Anyways, I believe you've saved my life before. First time you've threatened it, though I hardly believe it your last."

She raised a cat-like eyebrow, feeling the gentle, slightly warm New Leaf breeze envelope her in an air hug. It whisked through the trees, sending her fur flying in litttle tufts. Certinaly a bad time to fall, and a remotely likely time as well. Sensing Havoccrypt's sudden seriousness, she looked him over quickly with concerned eyes. He seemed almost tense, he'd been hurt so much. Actually, she couldn't help but try to mask her own aches and pains herself. Havoccrypt wasn't the only one damaged.

"Yes. Who doesn't remember her? Rushwind Goldstar called her at first. Such an unfit name!"

[» Sacrifice]

"Bah. I don't think I would taste to horrible, if I may say so myself. Although, I don't know for sure. As for eating me, well, I don't think you would get to far before I ate you."
Amusment flashing in his light green orbs as Depthvision playfully batted him, the black warrior however made no move to follow her in the mock attack, showing just how serious he was that night. Usually, he would have been after her as soon as she had gotten him, there wasn't the slightest fear of heights for this tom. There wasn't anything that he wouldn't challenege if given the chance, so fear was basically something unheard of for the tom. Sometimes, it seemed he lacked his brother's common sense. Oh well.

"Who knows. Although, I do seriously doubt it will be the last."
Havoccrypt muttered with a chuckle, rolling his eyes at the she cat beside him.
"Although, I doubt I should do that around your father. I don't think he would be too happy about it."
While they weren't best friends, there were times when Havoccrypt had found himself getting along with Goldstar, like at the battle. It was rather strange to him, but something he found he didn't mind too much. Somewhere, he knew that they would always have their 'fond' apprentice memories. Ah, so much had happened back then. It was amazing how fast time could go for the two.

There was something on Depthvision's face though as he grew serious, something that made the tom eye her in a serious manner.
"Something wrong? Don't think I don't see what you try to hide."

Shaking his head, Havoccrypt sighed softly, knowing that he would get an answer to that question when the time came. There was a reason for everything it seemed.

"Then you must remember when I was an apprentice, how I kept running off, and when I seemingly attacked Faintshadow for no reason?"

[*Sinister*Dreams*]

The young warrior shook herself, ending the amusement previously shown with a gentle blink as she glanced curiously up at Havoccrypt. Both of the cats were always slight rebels, but deep down Depthvision was a mother, one who would kill to protect young ones whether they were of her clan or not. Everyone deserved the chance to become who they were, and not be killed trying. The she-cat slowly spoke, ignoring his question momentarily.


"I'll explain in a bit, and also question further on how you even noticed. No one ever does..."

Exhaling sharply, she dreaded her explaination. Would he think her weak, giving into the past as she had done? She certainly thought herself pathetic at times.

"But anyways, cut to the chase Havoccrypt. I know something's up."

She smiled lightly with her words, standing a bit closer to him, the feeling of his body heat warming the cool air around her. How she wished to read minds...

[» Sacrifice]

Havoccrypt, well, he honeslty didn't know what he was. There was no clear way to define what he was, everytime he thought he had figured himself out, well, something changed. Over the moons he had come to know himself as something that changed. There wasn't much predictable with him, and he had come to accept that. There was nothing else he could do really, because he didn't have any plans of changing what, or who he was. As he often thought to those that didn't like him;
Don't like me? Too bad, nobody said you had to. Enjoy your world of hate because I'm not changing.
Maybe it was a bit hateful too, but what was a world without hate and pain? Something artificial and fake, nothing that he would ever want to live in.

A half smile flickered on the maw of the black warrior, and he answered her question even though she had said she would ask later on. Still, he had time to kill tonight.
"Despite what some may think, I do observe. I'm really good at expressions."
Ending with a shrug, Havoccrypt obviously didn't really understand how he had found it so easy to read the others, while he couldn't even read himself. He couldn't read the world, and how he found it frusterating at times! There was no easy way to find the answers, but did they always have to be so out of reach?

Of course they did. That was just the way the world worked for everyone. You try and try, only to fail in the end...

"Not one for detours, are you?"
Rolling his eyes, a sigh escaped the tom once more as he began his tale. From the very start...

"I was an apprentice when I first met Adito. I was bored to no end, and she just wandered onto the territory. I really didn't care, and enjoyed playing with her, and seeing Ace stuck in a tree. She was the one who taught me how to fall out of a tree without getting hurt. Anyways, all three of us were fast friends, and things were great. When I got angry, instead of lashing out at the clan like I usually did, I escaped to her den, in the Loner lands. Of course, this sent several cats into a hissy fit, including Faintshadow. One day, it was rather bad, and Faintshadow started talking bad about Adito. Well, I snapped. I warned her though, and she still went on. So, I attacked her. I am not proud of what I did, but I would never take it back. That was the same day I almost got into a fight with your father. Things were very heated between the three of us, and none would back down. Well, your father just, smartly I might add, let me be, and I of course went to visit Adito, and she wanted to attack Faintshadow, to do what I couldn't for what she had did to me. Adito, Ace, and I were fast friends, and everyone was happy. They didn't see me as everyone else saw me, you see. Everyone else saw me as a hard headed apprentice that was basically a little devil, and that everyone hated. I was, and still am basically, exiled from everyone. Well, Adito joined the clan, and I was happy with her. Everything was great, until Renegade drove us out. And then, one morning, Ace and I awoke to see she was gone, no trace at all of where. Ace was the only one who knew how I felt, but it is amazing what you can hide when everyone expects you to be hiding something."

It seemed to be the end of the story, but Havoc wasn't finished just yet it seemed.

"She left me, and we were more then best friends. I was the one who came up with her name, you see. And she. She just left for no reason."

Havoc's eyes were distant, hard. No matter how this hurt him, he wasn't one of the cats to break down. However, this was the first cat aside from Ace to know anything about what had happened to him, even if he tried not to show it. She had cracked that shell, somehow.

"Now, enough about my personal misery. What happened to you?"

[*Sinister*Dreams*]

Depthvision had always been a good listener, and as she listened, she observed his every move. How his eyes seemed to fight to hide his obvious pain, and how he willed them not to. The constant battle between what was on the outside versus what was on the inside seemed to be noticable in practically every cats these days, Depthvision herself not outside th conflict entirely. No, she was rather indulged by the emotions and their physical appearances shown in unsheathed claws and flashing glares of hostility that were seen with blantant eyes on the cats of the clans. Battle had wreaked havoc on them, no pun intended, though more important fighting was the one for emotions, feelings; the true fight for your life. After all, what good was a life if lived without them? It couldn't truly be called a life...


"I wish I could do something...To change how things wound up for you. Reputations themselves are hard to live up to, trust me, I know, but at the same time they are even harder when whats going down in your soul is contradictory to the mask you put on to cover it day by endless day. It's the one thing that hurts me most...Being Goldstars only daughter, it was always my place to be respected and cats even looked up to me. I hated the feeling, and it wasn't long until I snapped just like you did about the pressure I felt. My brother Crevicefang was the only cat who understood me, and logically, he was the one I broke on. I got in a fight with him, not too badly, but I said some...words...That I will never get out of my mind. The next sun, he left the den early in the morning to give me space to think and cool off. It just had to be the day the rogues attacked..."

Pian flashed across her deep blue eyes, the memory nearly breaking her small frame as it worked its way up, a snake through her soul, biting at her very heart. Memories were life's greatest pain, almost as painful as the day they were made.

"...Two rogues jumped him on the border while he hunted. Scarcely a warrior, my brother didn't know what hit him. One of them he managed to kill, but the other slit his throat and ran away. It was bad enough he was gone, but to know he wouldn't have even been out alone if I hadn't have snapped because of my own reputation broke me inside. I've never even felt truely grown up to a warrior until I felt death. Does every one feel this? Better yet, how is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's clan but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly a warrior, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light....And yet why does everything still feel wrong to me, if I am truly a warrior? Why do I blame myself? Why do I always wish I had been the one to go..."

A single tear poured down he face, the raindrop on a sunrise, the paint on an otherwise empty picture. How would she manage? Her only consolence was that Havoccrypt was here, and she wasn't as alone without her brother as before...

[» Sacrifice]

Ears flicking slightly, the only thing Havoccrypt could offer to the first sentence was a shrug. He had always had this in life; this time it had just stung a bit more then all the usual problems that seemed to plauge the ill-fated tom.
"That is just how life has always been for me. I've always had this type of luck. And don't worry about being looked up to; I see you as a friend, not some superior that needs to be bowed to and given their every need, nevermind the fact that they probably didn't want it to be that way in the first place."
Shaking his head, Havoccrypt let her continue with her story, sadness flickering in his eyes as she told her tragic tale. It was one that he had only heard from the elders, but for once, it seemed that they were not so far off. How many times had he heard it whil taking care of the elders? All of them knew his name, but he couldn't always remember who first told him that tale of sorrow and loss, although, back then, it hadn't mattered to him. He had been no other then just a hard headed apprentice, not wanting to listen to what anyone else had to say. How times seemed to change things, although one could never guess it.

"You blame yourself because of something called guilt. Everyday it seems, you have been plauged with this memory, until it festered like a bad wound. It was like posion to you, until all you could think about was what you had done, placing all the blame upon yourself, not seeing that nothing was your fault. You snapped, that may be true, but do you honestly think Crevicefang didn't expect you too? You must remember that he was Goldstar's son too."

Looking at the other she cat, Havoccrypt flicked her gently with his tail, trying to cheer her up over what she could not change. How he knew how hard things like that were to change though. Nearly impossible...

[*Sinister*Dreams*]

A jolt of electricity was the least to be expected as young Depthvision pulled her usually contented mind from it's current cave of despair and guilt. So much had happened since her brother death...

I wonder if he still watches me. Is he disgusted by what I have done? Does he see me...Here with Havoccrypt, and miss his own dear Heartmockery?

Blue eyes flashed with pain, as she remembered how Crevicefang had struggled with his heart. How he had loved Heartmockery, and died only days before her disappearance. Did he know where she was? Goldstar had always believed she belonged with PewterClan, but for once it seemed the golden tom had been wrong. She'd left, and Crevicefang may miss her now more than ever. Could the cats of StarClan even be permitted to feel loss, in such a perfect clan? Who would ever know...

"Every time you draw close to something...It pulls away."

Depthvision's eyes glazed over again, as she turned her head away from Havoccrypt. It embarrassed her to no extent to allude her pain onto others, and the thought of his true feelings of her almost overwhelmed her. He could think her a disgusting, pathetic creature, and still she would be glad for him. She'd had the weight of pain on her shoulders so long now she'd begun to feel as if her destiny had been somehow split into something entirely different. Something dangerous. Briefly alone she had ignored Havoccrypt's words, but she took the moment to finally reply.

"I just...If I were truly Goldstar's daughter, I would be able to face my own pain. Our mother passed on as well, but I knew when she did she did it bravely. Everything on both ends of my family is ended in nothing but triumph and courage. How am I to live up to this, when I've already failed by giving into my own agony? It's as though I've no reason to live for. Nothing to fuel myself."

[» Sacrifice]

Why was there so much death in the world? So much bitter anguish, that each day just putting on paw in front of the other was a challenege, even if one could not see the pain and suffering that lurked just beyond the surface, behind the mask which concealed what you weren't suppose to see. After all, weren't clans suppose to be like one big happy family? There was suppose to be only an eagerness, a sense of family, not the pain that everyone hid. That was why they all hid it too, nobody wanted to dispell the illusion that everyone lived in, lost in their own minds. It was always said though, that locking something up inside was the worst thing possible, so wouldn't it be better to shatter the illusion, but keep life healthy? Only time could tell, and someone to step out of the group, someone to be different.

"Sometimes it makes me wonder if StarClan exists, I mean, why would they cause so much pain to us? But, I know on a personal level that they are up there."
Those words, they hinted to something that wasn't tp be expected. Something that shouldn't happen, but as usual, and found Havoccrypt so the unusual could happen. After causing all that trouble, maybe, just maybe, his destiny had been set away from the other's, maybe he did have a greater purpose in life then to just be a clan cat. Who knew though, all that Havoccrypt could feel was the pain of loss, from both Depthvision and himself. It was like an overwhelming feeling, when you first jump into a cold pool, for instance. Yet, talking, it had done him good. Havoccrypt had always been one of the future, refusing to dwell too much on the past for it only offered pain to the one who looked back. There were few who could manage not looking back, after all, things were often that way, memories seen at every corner, every time you look, but it wasn't impossible.

Anger glinted slightly though, in the light orbs of Havoccrypt, as he took in the next words. Rising up from his sitting position, he stood on the branch, sternly watching Depthvision.

"Do you honestly think it would be that easy? That just because you are related to Goldstar, you somehow are a supercat who can deal with anything? Well, your not. Your just like everyone else here, no matter who your father is. You can't help what happened in the past, and you can't help what you feel with every passing day, be it agony or truimph. You say that you are a failure, but on who's terms? Your father is proud of you, everyone likes you. Your only a failure in your own eyes. You will never heal until you put the past behind you, and just move on. You can not just keep your misery to yourself. Break the illusion that clan life is happy and everything is great, because you know what, its not! There is pain, bitter agony, and suffering in not only the clans, but in the whole world. The trick to getting on with your life, is to just get over the fact clans are not perfect. You have to move on.

[*Sinister*Dreams*]

Depthvision's fur britled, blue eyes blazing as she too stood up, hackles raised, to glare at her challenger. Behind the rage of course, there was hurt too. A hurt that, maybe by chance hadn't always been there. Even further in to her challenging eyes, a glimmer of something more was shinning. She felt alive, happy to have someone standing next to her, someone to go against her and say she was more than she had become. Someone who loved her...Well, it hadn't become that, but it took a love of some sort to push the sadness away, a love to want to help her. That was deffinately something, as little as it was, a tiny candle and the edge of a blackening cave...A tiny flare of hop that glimmered and danced at the end of her emotions.


"Don't pretend you could even live my life Havoccrypt! You don't know how hard it is to watch every morning, another cat in Crevicefang's nest. Or to know that I likely have nieces and nephews out there I don't know about, struggling. Heartmockery would have told them about PewterClan...They are alone, and cold, and I'm sitting here content as a bee. You don't know how hard it is to wake up and realize that I'll never be loved enough to have children of my own, to teach the ways of clan life. I may as well be barren..."

There are some warriors who can look back on their memories like they are reading a rather boring textbook. But there are others, although few, who can look at their memories for what they are. The truth, the happiness, the lies, and the sorrow, all combined into one thought like a living, breathing thing. Depthvision didn't understand how to veiw them herself, but rather chose to go with what she thought she saw in them. What did Havoccrypt do, when his memories got over bearing? Did he have to escape, like she did? Depthvision knew she had a nephew out there...Her dreams had shown her enough. But he was cold, and young, barely able to open his eyes. One day, she would come for him. One day, she'd live the fullest of her ilfe and bring him back...One day she'd be a mother, and able to care for him. That poor kit...

Depthvision cough, and let her hackles drop again, sheathing her claws and sitting back down.

"I'm sorry...Havoccrypt. You didn't deserve that. I just am not used to being...cared for? Not like that anyway. Goldstar and my family care, I know. But...I guess they just don't have time. I'm sorry for taking it out on you. I am...To say the least, very happy you're here. I don't know I'd do without you."


She purred with a smile, a hillarious image of her knocking Havoccrypt out of a tree dancing in her mind. She giggle, smiling at him.

"I just realized how close I came to throwing you out of the tree..."

[» Sacrifice]

There was not a challenge that Havoccrypt had ever get away from him, and now he was going to take this one, as long as she moved first. Ivory claws unsheathed, his light green orbs blazed with anger and challenege, not to mention a touch of defiance. Although the presumed long dead sensable side of him, which said he shouldn't fight Depthvision protested this, he shut it out. As usual. Tail flipping to balance himself as he swayed on the tree, the branch shaking slightly, although that didn't bother Havoccrypt too mcuh, he met the glare of Depthvision with one just as powerful as powerful. Being well skilled in the glaring factor, he knew just how to play up another's emotions, no matter what they were doing currently.

"Oh, I don't? You don't seem to remember the fact that Aditoath had a nest, and I see one of the new warriors every day sleeping in it, every time I think I can sleep they suddenly appear, and each day her scent fades away, until she is almost like a figment of my mind. Do you dare tell me I don't know what heartbreak feels like. And someday, I know you will have those kits of your own, so don't even go there."
A low snarl came from the angry warrior as his gaze somehow narrowed even further. It was only froma great effort of will, that he did not use his usual impluslive-ness and launch himself at the warrior beside him, before he let his own hackles drop.
"Im used to it."
Havoccrypt muttered, still getting control of his temper before shaking his head, green eyes dancing once more.

"Trust me, it has been done before. Watch this."

Before Depthvision even had time to react, Havoccrypt seemed to just fall out of the tree, leaning backwards and just letting go. For a moment, there was a silence, before a 'thud' was heard as Havoccrypt landed, thankfully on his paws. There had been times that were rather painful, as something had shifted before he jumped.

"Told you I knew how to fall out of trees."
He called up in a teasing fashion.